Game of Thrones Season 3 Preview

Game of Thrones Season 3 Preview

Yes, yes, yes!  Game of Thrones (AKA the best drama since The Wire) returneth Sunday night for its third season.  I am not a TV person; in fact, GoT is really the only show I have watched with any consistency in the last 5 years.  Part of that is due to less free time to waste watching TV, and part of that is just being a more discerning viewer.  Either way, GoT won me over quite quickly. 

As GoT starts its third season, the plot could has more unanswered questions than how George Bush was re-elected.  The war for the throne is like a massive orgy of violence; Khaleesi, Robb Stark, the little fucker Joffrey, Stannis, and Mance Rayder (aka The King Beyond The Wall) all want to be King, and all have a legit shot of gaining the throne.  The only guarantee is that lots of people are going to get killed, and in gloriously entertaining fashion.  I am going to make some predictions on odds of attaining said throne (note: I have not read the books and my morals are too strong to ever cheat by doing so).

Khaleesi:  50% chance of getting the Iron Throne.  She is hot, fireproof, and has fucking dragons.  That is a tough combo to beat, and doesn’t even take into consideration the fact that she has Joran Mormont (who should be the spokesman for Old Spice btw) by her side, whispering sweet nothings and saving her life from Robert Baratheon’s wrath (which was only brought on after Mormont told the gelding that Khaleesi was preggers, btw). 

The questions facing Khaleesi’s rise to power include having to cross the narrow sea, getting an army (in the season 3 trailer she is seen examining an army, but who knows if it is her army and if so, how she would have paid for it), and the growth of the dragons—they are still vulnerable while young, after all. 

Stannis:  15% chance of getting the Iron Throne.  Stannis has the most legit claim, as his brother was king and Joffrey is an inbred turd with no blood relationship to Robert.  Stannis seems to be a genuine badass, knows how to command men (and had a big army—although who knows if they were all killed in the siege of King's Landing), and oh yea, he has the God of Light on his side (along with the God of Light’s hot priestess, who has the rare ability to give births to homicidal ghosts, certainly a useful skill). 

When we last saw Stannis, he was choking the fire priestess after being dragged away from the battle for King’s Landing (after Tywin Lannister saved his douchey grandson’s throne).  The man has a clear talent for violence, no conscience, and reminds me of Kobe Bryant in his single-mindedness (no, not for hotel maids who don’t consent to sex, but for the Crown). 

Robb Stark:  5% chance of taking the Iron Throne.  I don’t see many likely scenarios in which the King of the North would want to be in King’s Landing; he seems much more guided by revenge than anything else.  I do hope to see his wolf rape Joffrey to death, but if Robb is successful, his goal seems to be full independence for Winterfell, rather than being the King. 

All we know is that Robb is currently undefeated in battles, his army is fierce, he has a wolf the size of a tiger, his Jewfro gives him a natural intelligence advantage, he has great taste in women, and when winter does come (RIP Eddard Stark), the northerners will have an advantage.    

There are several questions hanging over Robb Stark—what will be the repercussions of his marriage to the hot nurse after already agreeing to marry one of Lord Frey’s daughters for her father’s bridge (talk about romantic!)? Where the fuck did his stupid mother’s giantess take the Kingslayer?  Will Robb try to attack the Iron Isles?  Where is Aria?

Mance Rayder:  10% chance.  The kinds of conditions Mance and the free men north of the Wall have faced are unimaginably rough, and one would have to assume that a united, hardened army could dispatch most foes.  There is also the surprise factor; while the civil war is ongoing, who would expect the King Beyond the Wall to be the real threat?  We know Mance commands tremendous respect, he has a disciplined, rugged, army, and has the knowledge from his time wearing the black to understand how those south of the Wall think and operate. 

Several questions need to be asked: what is the relationship between Mance and the white walkers?  What will John Snow do—with the thought of losing his virginity make him denounce the black and fight for Mance?  Where is John Snow’s wolf?  How many people does Mance have? 

Joffrey Lannister:  Chance of retaining the Iron Throne: 20%.  Joffrey has many things going for him: a huge army, the backing of the richest family in the 7 kingdoms, the seeming backing of the 2^nd richest family (remember he wed Margaery Tyrell), and his MILFy mother’s connivance. 

On the other hand, Joffrey is universally loathed, a coward, lacking any inkling of legitimacy to the throne, and without the kind of strategic mind that makes his grandfather such a force to be reckoned with.  Certainly, some kind of alliance between his opponents would not be hard to imagine. 

There are several important wild cards facing the Realm.  What of Tyrion Lannister, the imp?  If it was indeed his sister who tried to have him killed, where are his loyalties?  What of the Knight of Flowers?  He hates Joffrey but hates Stannis more.  Remember, he wanted Renly to be King. 

Where is the Kingslayer?  In the trailer he is seen swinging his sword, which indicates he has been liberated.  Has he rejoined his family?   Also, what role will the white walkers play in all of this?  Given that they can only be killed by fire, it would seem to enhance Khaleesi’s role, given that her dragons spit fire.  Only time will tell.