e-dating tips

Through J4G’s personal experiences and experiences of friends of the site, I have put together a quick and easy list of e-dating tips:

Judging online profiles

1.     The only picture on an online profile that matters is the worst one—all the other pictures are lies. 

2.     Any girl whose profile only has face pictures is fat. 

3.     If you are unsure if someone is attractive based on his/her dating profile pictures, then the answer is that the person in question is not attractive.

4.     Assume that every girl is between 10 and 50 pounds heavier than in her photographs. 

5.     If someone’s online profile is boring and unfunny, the person in question is likely boring and unfunny as well.

6.     Most women who teach elementary school (with an exception for those doing Teach For America) are incapable or unwilling to interact on a day-to-day basis with adults, and should be treated with kid gloves. 

7.     If you see a profile of someone who professes to be Orthodox and over 25, assume that person is separated and has a child, regardless of affirmations to the contrary. 

Initiating/responding to online dating emails

1.     Anyone whose first message to you centers on a variation of “how was your weekend?” or “what’s up?” is an uncreative idiot.  That, or your profile is terrible and the messenger had no material with which to work.

2.     Anyone who messages you with some trifling cliché like “no risk, no reward” is doing his/her best to tell you 1) you are too good for him/her, and 2) he/she is made of paper mache/can’t handle rejection/is probably someone to stay away from.

3.     If there is no witty banter on email, there will be no witty banter in real life. 

4.     Ladies: if a man doesn’t ask you out within 7 total messages (back-and-forth combined), he finds you boring and you shouldn’t waste time talking to him.  He is only talking to you past that point in case he gets lonely or horny—you are nothing more than a backup. 

5.     Anyone who is either unwilling or unable to differentiate between you’re/your and or there/their/they’re is a moron and you should not meet such a person under any circumstances.   Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

First Meeting

1.     If someone does not look in real life as he/she does in his/her pictures, the aggrieved party may unilaterally terminate the proceedings on sight.

2.     A woman loses all her rights to expect chivalrous actions from a man if she materially misrepresents herself. 

3.     A man who posts pictures of someone else and claims them as his own, is probably a sex offender, and the woman who agreed to meet him should run away as fast as possible, preferably while pre-emptively blowing a rape whistle. 

4.     If your date mentions that he/she is always the one who gets dumped, leave. 

5.     If your date mentions an ex more than once, leave. 

6.     If your date mentions a love triangle in which she is currently or was recently entangled, listen to the salacious details so you will be able to recount the story to your friends, then leave.