Game of Thrones Season 3 Preview

Game of Thrones Season 3 Preview

Yes, yes, yes!  Game of Thrones (AKA the best drama since The Wire) returneth Sunday night for its third season.  I am not a TV person; in fact, GoT is really the only show I have watched with any consistency in the last 5 years.  Part of that is due to less free time to waste watching TV, and part of that is just being a more discerning viewer.  Either way, GoT won me over quite quickly. 

As GoT starts its third season, the plot could has more unanswered questions than how George Bush was re-elected.  The war for the throne is like a massive orgy of violence; Khaleesi, Robb Stark, the little fucker Joffrey, Stannis, and Mance Rayder (aka The King Beyond The Wall) all want to be King, and all have a legit shot of gaining the throne.  The only guarantee is that lots of people are going to get killed, and in gloriously entertaining fashion.  I am going to make some predictions on odds of attaining said throne (note: I have not read the books and my morals are too strong to ever cheat by doing so).

Khaleesi:  50% chance of getting the Iron Throne.  She is hot, fireproof, and has fucking dragons.  That is a tough combo to beat, and doesn’t even take into consideration the fact that she has Joran Mormont (who should be the spokesman for Old Spice btw) by her side, whispering sweet nothings and saving her life from Robert Baratheon’s wrath (which was only brought on after Mormont told the gelding that Khaleesi was preggers, btw). 

The questions facing Khaleesi’s rise to power include having to cross the narrow sea, getting an army (in the season 3 trailer she is seen examining an army, but who knows if it is her army and if so, how she would have paid for it), and the growth of the dragons—they are still vulnerable while young, after all. 

Stannis:  15% chance of getting the Iron Throne.  Stannis has the most legit claim, as his brother was king and Joffrey is an inbred turd with no blood relationship to Robert.  Stannis seems to be a genuine badass, knows how to command men (and had a big army—although who knows if they were all killed in the siege of King's Landing), and oh yea, he has the God of Light on his side (along with the God of Light’s hot priestess, who has the rare ability to give births to homicidal ghosts, certainly a useful skill). 

When we last saw Stannis, he was choking the fire priestess after being dragged away from the battle for King’s Landing (after Tywin Lannister saved his douchey grandson’s throne).  The man has a clear talent for violence, no conscience, and reminds me of Kobe Bryant in his single-mindedness (no, not for hotel maids who don’t consent to sex, but for the Crown). 

Robb Stark:  5% chance of taking the Iron Throne.  I don’t see many likely scenarios in which the King of the North would want to be in King’s Landing; he seems much more guided by revenge than anything else.  I do hope to see his wolf rape Joffrey to death, but if Robb is successful, his goal seems to be full independence for Winterfell, rather than being the King. 

All we know is that Robb is currently undefeated in battles, his army is fierce, he has a wolf the size of a tiger, his Jewfro gives him a natural intelligence advantage, he has great taste in women, and when winter does come (RIP Eddard Stark), the northerners will have an advantage.    

There are several questions hanging over Robb Stark—what will be the repercussions of his marriage to the hot nurse after already agreeing to marry one of Lord Frey’s daughters for her father’s bridge (talk about romantic!)? Where the fuck did his stupid mother’s giantess take the Kingslayer?  Will Robb try to attack the Iron Isles?  Where is Aria?

Mance Rayder:  10% chance.  The kinds of conditions Mance and the free men north of the Wall have faced are unimaginably rough, and one would have to assume that a united, hardened army could dispatch most foes.  There is also the surprise factor; while the civil war is ongoing, who would expect the King Beyond the Wall to be the real threat?  We know Mance commands tremendous respect, he has a disciplined, rugged, army, and has the knowledge from his time wearing the black to understand how those south of the Wall think and operate. 

Several questions need to be asked: what is the relationship between Mance and the white walkers?  What will John Snow do—with the thought of losing his virginity make him denounce the black and fight for Mance?  Where is John Snow’s wolf?  How many people does Mance have? 

Joffrey Lannister:  Chance of retaining the Iron Throne: 20%.  Joffrey has many things going for him: a huge army, the backing of the richest family in the 7 kingdoms, the seeming backing of the 2^nd richest family (remember he wed Margaery Tyrell), and his MILFy mother’s connivance. 

On the other hand, Joffrey is universally loathed, a coward, lacking any inkling of legitimacy to the throne, and without the kind of strategic mind that makes his grandfather such a force to be reckoned with.  Certainly, some kind of alliance between his opponents would not be hard to imagine. 

There are several important wild cards facing the Realm.  What of Tyrion Lannister, the imp?  If it was indeed his sister who tried to have him killed, where are his loyalties?  What of the Knight of Flowers?  He hates Joffrey but hates Stannis more.  Remember, he wanted Renly to be King. 

Where is the Kingslayer?  In the trailer he is seen swinging his sword, which indicates he has been liberated.  Has he rejoined his family?   Also, what role will the white walkers play in all of this?  Given that they can only be killed by fire, it would seem to enhance Khaleesi’s role, given that her dragons spit fire.  Only time will tell.  

  

guest blog--a woman's guide to online dating pictures

A ladies guide to dating profile pics: The 12 most frequent profile pictures in online dating by type and what they say about your perspective partner

1.     The, Machu Picchu I love to travel pic. Congratulations, you could potentially go on a date with somebody who has left the country! This person wants you to know they are worldly and have a great sense of adventure. Indeed they bought a lonely planet guide to Peru, a backpack from REI, and took a lot of pics that they uploaded immediately to instagram. But ladies-- thinking these are good signs is a common pitfall in online dating, and trust me, you can do better. They are liable to include an obnoxious caption like “bonus points if you can guess where this picture was taken.” WE ALL KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THOSE PICTURES WERE TAKEN!!! Trust me, those are not bonus points you care to earn.

2.     The, I have so many friends and here I am pounding cheap beers with them pic. Might as well just go to a bar to meet this winner.

3.     The, here I am playing basketball or wind surfing, coincidentally with my shirt off, pic.  If your primary interest in men is hot bod, than this is probably a pretty good sign that the person in question has a hot bod. Though men frequently deceive about appearance the way women do, men who make a big show of their abdominal muscles, probably legitimately have nice abdominal muscles.  If all their pictures are hot bod pictures, this likely says something about their personality/ motivations for online dating. If they have managed to somehow casually include one amongst otherwise socially appropriate pictures, and especially if they have somehow managed to provide a witty caption acknowledging their vanity- this suggest the guy is self confident, perhaps a little cocky, but good in bed.

4.     The mirror shot. This person did not go to college. If academic achievement is important to you, move ahead. Mirror shots are no longer an appropriate form of representation for those of us who went to an accredited four-year university.

5.     The at-a-friend’s wedding pic. Success! This guy has friends. Not only that, he has friends who are capable of commitment and marriage. He also has an outfit appropriate for such an event and he might even be a suitable date to your friends wedding, which you are currently going to solo. Note again, variety is key. If every pic is a friend wedding pic, they are probably feeling pretty ready to have a wedding pic of their own. In that case, proceed with caution.

6.     The, my pic has a stamp from another online dating site pic. They’ve already exhausted one site, and for good reason no doubt. Next.

7.     The, I am a hipster, just sitting here in my skinny jeans and Ray-bans pic. If you want a craft beer and a casual date where you can discuss art and politics in a broad strokes kind of way-- this is your man!  Proposed topics for date: how Macklemore is now too main stream for your tastes, what you liked/hated about the second season of GIRLS, or the absurdity of proposition 8! Marriage equality now!

8.     The, just playing some golf, but it’s no big deal pic. Want to eventually settle down, quit your job, and move to a nice house in the suburbs? Look no further! Over a glass of wine and an overpriced small plate of sautéed greens don’t forget to mention your second home in Maine.  Not to be confused with the, ‘Here I am posing in front of my kind of nice car pic.’ This is just not acceptable and it does not foreshadow any eventual three-car garage.

9.     The, I am man and this is my dog pic. This could go so many ways. On the one hand, men who love dogs are usually men who love. This is good. In addition, and with any luck, this man has an apartment large enough to house said dog. However, this could mean they live in the suburbs. Also, and especially if the picture features the dog more prominently than it features the man, it could suggest obsession with animal  (some men love their dog too much) or bad looks (camera shy = warning sign).

10.  The, strangely professional head shot pic. Maybe I’m just being judgmental at this point- but this isn’t LinkedIn! The point of a profile pic is to show personality, not to network. This might be related to the, ‘Young professional, here I am in a suit pic.’ This person has one suit and wears it to their unpaid internship three days a week.

11.  The, I love nature, here I am hiking pic. If you don’t like nature, than don’t pretend you do, because you might find yourself on a first date hiking old rag.  If, however, you do care for nature then dust off your climbing shoes that are hiding in the back of your closet and send a message detailing your latest skiing excursion in Colorado. Don’t mention how you prefer boozing in the lodge to going down the hills. All with due time…

12.   And finally, the, weirdly all of my pictures are from my one visit to Chicago pic set.  This is a surprisingly frequent type. Though you may be compelled to think, it’s not that weird, resist! It is that weird. Why does he only have so many pictures from one trip to Chicago? Why is he always posing alone in front of tourist sites? Why is he being a tourist by himself in Chicago!! Doesn’t he have any friends!! Something about this is just not quite right. Side note: Any picture that has a disclaimer like, “this is from 2009 but I look roughly same” should immediately be discredited. This is the age of the iPhone/ Facebook. If you haven’t had a suitable picture of you taken in the last 3 years, this says something either about your waning appearances or your non-existent social life.

e-dating tips

Through J4G’s personal experiences and experiences of friends of the site, I have put together a quick and easy list of e-dating tips:

Judging online profiles

1.     The only picture on an online profile that matters is the worst one—all the other pictures are lies. 

2.     Any girl whose profile only has face pictures is fat. 

3.     If you are unsure if someone is attractive based on his/her dating profile pictures, then the answer is that the person in question is not attractive.

4.     Assume that every girl is between 10 and 50 pounds heavier than in her photographs. 

5.     If someone’s online profile is boring and unfunny, the person in question is likely boring and unfunny as well.

6.     Most women who teach elementary school (with an exception for those doing Teach For America) are incapable or unwilling to interact on a day-to-day basis with adults, and should be treated with kid gloves. 

7.     If you see a profile of someone who professes to be Orthodox and over 25, assume that person is separated and has a child, regardless of affirmations to the contrary. 

Initiating/responding to online dating emails

1.     Anyone whose first message to you centers on a variation of “how was your weekend?” or “what’s up?” is an uncreative idiot.  That, or your profile is terrible and the messenger had no material with which to work.

2.     Anyone who messages you with some trifling cliché like “no risk, no reward” is doing his/her best to tell you 1) you are too good for him/her, and 2) he/she is made of paper mache/can’t handle rejection/is probably someone to stay away from.

3.     If there is no witty banter on email, there will be no witty banter in real life. 

4.     Ladies: if a man doesn’t ask you out within 7 total messages (back-and-forth combined), he finds you boring and you shouldn’t waste time talking to him.  He is only talking to you past that point in case he gets lonely or horny—you are nothing more than a backup. 

5.     Anyone who is either unwilling or unable to differentiate between you’re/your and or there/their/they’re is a moron and you should not meet such a person under any circumstances.   Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

First Meeting

1.     If someone does not look in real life as he/she does in his/her pictures, the aggrieved party may unilaterally terminate the proceedings on sight.

2.     A woman loses all her rights to expect chivalrous actions from a man if she materially misrepresents herself. 

3.     A man who posts pictures of someone else and claims them as his own, is probably a sex offender, and the woman who agreed to meet him should run away as fast as possible, preferably while pre-emptively blowing a rape whistle. 

4.     If your date mentions that he/she is always the one who gets dumped, leave. 

5.     If your date mentions an ex more than once, leave. 

6.     If your date mentions a love triangle in which she is currently or was recently entangled, listen to the salacious details so you will be able to recount the story to your friends, then leave. 

Timothy Bradley vs Ruslan Provodnikov and UFC 158 post-fight musings

Last night I managed to see UFC 158 (GSV vs Nick Diaz) at a sports bar in DC (Buffalo Billiards, which now charges an absurd $10 for cover), and then went home and watched the Timothy Bradley vs Ruslan Provodnikov boxing match.   To most "mainstream" sports fans (you know, the ones who until recently thought any boxer could be an mma champion, or the guys who post about football all the time on Facebook, live and travel for their alma mater’s college football team, say they like boxing but not mma, and who call themselves big boxing fans because they have seen Floyd Mayweather fight multiple times), mma is dangerous savagery (although the mainstream types love watching football, which is much more dangerous than boxing or mma, if you consider the force of the impacts on the heads of the players) and boxing has better action, better fighters, is less brutal, and is more sporting (these people are often homophobic, on an aside).  I consider the inverse to be true.  

In fact last night was the first time I can remember when I thought that maybe I shouldn't be a boxing fan anymore.  In the Bradley vs Provodnikov fight, both men (especially Bradley, who won) suffered hellacious damage to their brains.  Bradley was clearly concussed in either the first or second round, and didn't have his legs for the majority of the fight.  He was almost stopped in the first, second, sixth, and twelfth rounds, but managed to stay on his feet (albeit clearly on sea legs and not there mentally) in all but the twelfth round.  The idiot announcers, like football announcers, were just impressed by the courage of both men, and didn’t once say the word concussion or utter the phrase brain damage.  Both trainers were overheard threatening to stop the fight, which the announcers laughed off as mere talk, because it is not masculine to stop a fight.  In fact Max Kellerman interviewed both trainers during the fight, who seemed quite serious about stopping the fight, saying that they had a duty to protect their fighters, both of whom were taking far too many head punches. 

The boxing announcers kept using the phrase “heart” when talking about the fighting spirit of Bradley, who seemed the far more damaged fighter.  I kept thinking instead “permanent brain damage”.   In fact, after Bradley peeled himself off the canvas in the twelfth round and was able to stand and listen to the decision (which he won), he produced the most honest bit of commentary all night during his post-fight interview.  Max Kellerman, who loves to wax poetic about boxing like it is some beautiful thing, asked a question and Bradley immediately said that he had suffered a concussion.  Seeming to not believe him, Kellerman asked how he knew(!) and in what round it occurred.  Bradley told him in the first or second, he wasn’t sure.  As for how he knew (a ridiculous question if ever there were one), Bradley said “because I’m still dizzy”. 

Meanwhile, my previous engagement watching UFC 158 at a sports bar proved to be a mixed bag.  Nick Diaz, my favorite fighter, looked like he was stoned until the third round, when he started finally landing on GSP and stuffing takedowns.  At the end of the day, GSP was the better fighter and deserved the decision.  He fought his usual cautious, overpowering, dominating fight.  Like in the rematch against Serra, GSP took the fight to the ground immediately, and his standup consisted entirely of jabs that Diaz shrugged off.  GSP ended up spending the majority of the fight on top of Diaz, with Nick constantly attempting to scramble back to his feet or secure a Kimura that was not to come.  GSP landed some shots on the ground, bust mostly just moved side-to-side on Diaz’s back like a gorilla playing in the jungle.  I was dismayed that most people at the bar were cheering for the boring, greasing Canadian, but I have found in general that people like to cheer for the bully.  It is a metaphor for life, really. 

In the co-main event, Johnny Hendricks “beat” Carlos Condit in an absolute barnburner that was incorrectly decided by the judges.  My biggest gripe about mma is that judges weigh takedowns far too heavily, unaware that the guard is not necessarily an advantageous position for the man on top.  Hendricks took Condit down repeatedly (usually when he was getting beaten on the feet), and every time they went to the ground, Condit landed shots from the bottom and stymied Hendricks entirely.  In terms of damage, when they were on the ground, Condit inflicted more, yet the judges scored the second round for Hendricks on the strength of those beating-induced takedowns that led to no offense whatsoever.  Condit furthermore scrambled back to his feet with relative ease after each takedown.  He massacred Hendricks in the third round, and in my view won the lsat two rounds.  I, along with everyone else at the bar, would have liked to see two more rounds, which would have been appropriate given that it was a #1 contender match.  C’est la vie. 

Hendricks vs GSP will be a great fight; GSP won’t have a strength edge, or a sizeable wrestling edge.  Further, Hendricks drops BOMBS.  He is a heavy hitter with fast hands and good accuracy and timing.  As a two-time national champion wrestler, he is one of the few guys in the division who can, if not outwrestle GSP, at least neutralize him.  If Diaz doesn’t open up his own marijuana farm in California and put down the gloves for good, a rematch with Condit would be great.