Jerusalem, Israel
Jews 4 Ginobili has just received the entire transcript of a conversation between Bashshar al-Asad and Vladimir Putin. The call took place earlier today, soon after America and Russia reached an agreement on a deal to turn over 100 tons of Syria's chemical weapons to international inspectors. The transcript was provided by a source in the Syrian intelligence apparatus.
VP: Bashy, I have great news--Sergei just got off the phone with the Secretary of Botox, err, State, and they have reached an agreement. Sergei convinced Kerry that you have 100 tons of chemical weapons, and said that you will turn them all over.
BA: Whoa, you mean there is no longer a threat of US military action as long as I turn over 100 tons of chemical weapons? That is amazing! Where did they get the 100 tons figure by the way? I have way more than that.
VP: No threat! Amazing, I know. Kerry said something about the process needing to be credible, bla bla, and that if you don't cooperate, he reserves the right to turn to UN Chapter 7. As for the 100 tons figure, I honestly think they just picked it because it is a round number, hahaha.
BA: Hahahaha. Oh man, a round number. I will make sure to provide the Americans with exactly 100 tons of chemical weapons while I keep increasing my stockpile in other labs the Americans don't know about. By the way, isn't UN Chapter 7 the UN Security Council?
VP: Yep.
BA: Well, can't you just veto everything the Americans do at the Security Council?
VP: Hahahaha, of course we can! I can't believe they agreed to any of this. What a blunder by Kerry to ever bring up the possibility of taking military strikes off the table in return for getting your chemical weapons. I mean, why would they trust you after killing tens of thousands of your own citizens, and why would they trust us when we have been arming you the entire time?
BA: It is remarkable, really. But just so I'm clear, the Americans don't care how many people I kill with conventional weapons, right? My massacres are of no concern to them as long as done with regular bullets and bombs?
VP: Yep. Frankly, given how much the American public distrusts both sides in your war, and the lessons they learned in Iraq, the chances of the public ever supporting military action in Syria unless you gas an entire city, are about 0%. If Obama had really wanted to send you a message, he would have upheld his red line. Instead, he got scared, ignored his morals, and went to a Congress that has much bigger problems. The House Republicans have a gag reflex against anything Obama puts forward, and the Senate Republicans aren't much more advanced. Even the Democrats are against bombing Syria--they know it is pointless, and enough of the rebels are al-Qaida-esque in ideology to scare the shit out of any elected official who thought about supporting them. How does a Congressman in a district with high unemployment say to his constituents "yea, sorry I haven't been able to get more jobs created here, I was busy spending tens of millions of dollars on bombs to help al-Qaida"?
BA: That's a good point. Did you see my interview with Charlie Rose? I just kept repeating that my regime is fighting al-Qaida, and Charlie had no real idea how to respond. He said, as if he had the foggiest idea what he was talking about, that only 15% of the people I am fighting against are jihadists. I tell you, that Elizabeth O'Bagy woman, the one who made up the 15% figure while being paid by Syrian opposition groups and lying about her academic credentials, was a godsend. She has made Kerry look like an absolute idiot for relying on her testimony as some kind of remarkable font of information.
VP: (laughing hysterically) We got really lucky on that one.
BA: When are the inspectors getting here?
VP: They have to be on the ground by November.
BA: Hahaha, I can work with that. Do the inspectors realize they will be in the middle of a civil war? God this is too easy. I can just give them the weapons they want, and keep them out of areas I don't want them to go in. If they get suspicious, what are they going to do, get a UNSC resolution against me? Hahahaha.
VP: Yeah, this has all worked out well. I like to think my op-ed was the coup de grace.
BA: Vladimir, you have some chutzpah. Lecturing America on attacking another sovereign nation without a UNSC resolution. Does nobody in America remember what you did in Georgia?
VP: Most Americans don't realize there is a Georgia besides the one in the American south, hahaha. I tell you Bashshar, between the Americans' war-weariness and economic problems, and Europe's general cowardice, I don't see any reason why you won't be able to hold onto power for decades to come.
BA: Thank God for the Kardashians and all the other distractions in America. By the way, have you spoken with the Israelis?
VP: I talked with Bibi yesterday. He seemed relieved that you were going to keep power. I told him that the status quo will remain: Israel will be free to conduct occasional bomb attacks when you transfer weapons to Hezbollah, which gives you an opportunity to make bellicose statements about Israel, and to say the whole rebel movement is sponsored by Israel, America, and al Qaida.
BA: Perfect. I gotta run, but let's talk soon. Thanks for all the help.
VP: Any time.
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