Barack Obama
1. I will never again take a selfie at a funeral.
"While I acknowledge that this wasn't my best decision, I just want to say for the record that I don't really see what was SO bad about this. Sure, it was probably not the best time/place for a selfie, but come on, what are the odds of me being with two world leaders in a place where we thought that the cameras would be elsewhere? If anyone should apologize, it should be Michelle for being so damn grumpy. I asked her to take the picture, but she was about as willing to help as she was later that evening in the hotel."
"Did Michelle have a right to be angry about this? I guess. Honestly, I thought she was too busy watching the fake sign language guy to even notice Helle and I joking and whispering sweet nothings to each other. There are certain things that Michelle will never understand that Helle just gets, like what it is like to be a community organizer, or spending every other paycheck on blow, or being the head of a country."
3. I will never again lie to the American people.
"Of all my mistakes over the past year, I regret this one the most. Usually when I lie for political gain (like when I pretended for years to be religious and against same-sex marriage to get the moderates to vote for me (LOL)), it works. This time, I really shit the bed. I just hope that in the end, if Obamacare.gov ever starts functioning normally, people will forget about this. Also, to be fair to myself, I really thought that people would be able to keep their plans. Does that sound sincere?"
John Boehner
1. I will no longer be a lazy, petulant, crying, drunken bigot.
"Before I begin, I would like to take a moment to say thank you to all the DC bartenders who have ever called me a cab, or alerted me via our secret hand gestures that the prostitute with whom I was flirting had an STD (double tap on the right ear), or was a transvestite (counter-clockwise belly rub). You guys have literally saved my life. I would like to say that I will never forget what you have done for me, but let's just say my memory isn't the best these days (I had to call my chief of staff at 3:30 in the morning last night to tell the taxi driver where I live). That being said, I realize I need to make some changes. My normal routine of 2 glasses of scotch and an hour of the Glenn Beck show every morning just isn't cutting it anymore. I feel empty and lonely and barely even buzzed. So, in 2014 and beyond, I am DONE with alcohol. I want to feel happy. Thus, I am now committing myself to a life of MDMA and Miley Cyrus-esque raves, sponsored by whichever industry wants me in its pocket. I promise you, dear citizens, that my dalliance with the bottle is over. Also, to the staffer I referred to as a fag, I just want to say that I meant it in the best possible way. You guys are always in shape, fashionable, and know a good bottle of wine when you see one."
2. Never again will I shut down the government for spite.
"Listen, I admit the shutdown was a mistake. When I told (Ed: go to 1:30 mark of video) David Gregory that I had no idea if the sequester would help or hurt the economy, that was just for the lolz. I mean come on, how dumb do you think I am? I was trolling. I wanted to tell David Gregory to go fuck himself, like I told Harry Reid."
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